A motorcycle cop on patrol watched as a man in a red Porsche slowed down at a stop sign, without coming to a complete stop, then sped off.
The motorcycle cop pulled the vehicle over and approached the man. “Sir, can I please see your license and registration.”
The man replies, “Not until you tell me what the heck I did wrong, Officer.”
The officer explain, “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign a few blocks back.”
“Let me guess,” said the man, “all the donut shops are closed today!”
“Sir, I’m going to overlook that last comment. Now, if you would please show me your license and registration.” The man counters, “Not until you tell me the difference between slowing down and coming to a complete stop.”
“Sir, step out of the car.”
As the man reluctantly gets out of his car, the officer begins beating him over the head with his nightstick and exclaims, “Now, sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop!”
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Gabriel came to the Lord and said ” I have to talk to you. We have some
Texans up here in Heaven who are causing problems. They’re swinging on
the pearly gates, my horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all over their
robes, their dogs are riding in the chariots, and they’re wearing
baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos. They refuse to
keep the stairway to Heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds and pig
feet bones all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing.”
The Lord said, “I made them special, Gabriel. Heaven is Home to all my
children. If you really want to know about real problems, let’s call the Devil.”
The Devil answered the phone, ” Hello? Damn, hold on a minute.”
The Devil returned to the phone, “O.K., I’m back. What can I do for you?”
The Lord replied, “I just want to know what kind of problems you’re having down there.”
The Devil said, “Hold on again. I need to check on something.”
After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, “I’m
back. Now what was the question?”
The Lord said, “What kind of problems are you having down there?”
The Devil said, “Man, I don’t believe this….Hold on, Lord.”
This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said ,
“I’m sorry Lord, I can’t talk right now. Them damn Texans done put out
the fire and are trying to install air conditioning.”
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One day The Lord came to Adam to pass on some news.
‘I’ve got some good news and some bad news’, The Lord said.
Adam looked at The Lord and said, ‘Well, give me the good news first.’
Smiling, The Lord explained, ‘I’ve got two new organs for you, one is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve.
The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children.’
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, ‘These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?’
The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, ‘The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time.’
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A little old Chinese man goes into Nick’s Greek Food Cafe. Nick goes to the old man’s table and asks what he’d like.
The old man says, “One order of clacked clab, prease.” The hair on Nick’s neck stood up but he took the order and
served the man. Every night for 3 years, the same thing….one night the old man comes in and orders .
Nick couldn’t take it any longer and says, “listen, it’s one order of cracked
crab,please. got that? Now leave and don’t come back till you can say that!!
Months go by and one night Nick looks over and there’s the little Chinese man at his usual table.
Nick walks over and asks him what he’d like, the little Chinese man looked Nick in the eye and says, “I’d like one order of cracked crab…you Gleek plick!”
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Joe, the CEO’s most trusted assistant, died in his sleep one night. The CEO had depended on Joe for advice on every subject, from sending memos to wardrobe decisions. In addition, Joe had been his closest friend.
So, it was understandable that the CEO didn’t take kindly to the droves of ambitious job seekers who wanted Joe’s job. “They don’t even have the decency to wait until the man is buried,” the CEO muttered.
At the funeral, one eager beaver made his way to the CEO’s side. “Sir,” the man said, “is there a chance that I could take Joe’s place?”
“Certainly,” the CEO replied. “But you’d better hurry. I think the undertaker is almost finished.”
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